***UPDATE 08/20/09***
Due to the great response/feedback I received on this piece (and its subsequent drafts), I’ve decided to submit it to pro-markets. Because of this, I will have to remove the original piece from my blog. Thanks again for all your comments and support.
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I recently joined a Flash Fiction writing group through Facebook. It’s a group of writers looking to challenge themselves with monthly writing prompts of roughly 1000 words. What I found especially cool was not only the membership of a good friend of mine, but that the theme’s were single words. No long drawn out setups or complicated scenarios. One word to be interpreted as you see fit, allowing for maximum creative freedom.
I was a little late to the game and barely made this month’s deadline. Late last night I spent 2.5 hours from concept to completion, hammering out this little piece of prose. Roughly 1000 words (might be a bit more, sorry) with no re-writes and only one read through to make sure there are no glaring mistakes. It’s about as raw and unfiltered as I can get. Next month’s prompt I’ll make sure to polish it a touch more.
Here we go 
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[REDACTED]
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The theme was LIGHT.
Other entries in this carnival:
- Quez @ her blog
- Terry @ his blog
- Thersa @ Kappa No He
- Melanie @ What Am I Doing in Mexico?
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Well done, Mr. Nomad. I like that you took on a female voice in this story. As always, quite vivid with some very clever turns of phrase. Keep it up (I got the baseball bat waiting).
Twitter: gabrielnovo
August 14, 2009 at 10:46 am
Don’t forget the rusty nail
The theme for this month’s fiction was LIGHT which I didn’t mention in the post because I didn’t want to color the reading experience. Hopefully it came through in the tale.
To say you’re talented is an understatemnt. To say you inspire me to start writing again is probably too flattering to seem sincere (even if it is sincere). To say that I really enjoyed this–and I really really did–is not very productive. So here’s the critique:
I liked that in 1000 words you fleshed out Betty, Rick and their newly-defunct relationship pretty well. I like that it is a raw piece of writing and it’s not overly edited…it fits the tone. And even if it’s only aesthetic I like how you used the italics for the present (usually I see italics for memories or what have you). The imagery was solid and I felt as uncomfortable as Betty because of it…in a good way of course.
What I didn’t like? Too short.
Amazing. The characterization suburb! Betty’s hurt, anger, desperation; Rick’s tiredness, resignation; Mark…oh, Mark’s smarminess. Love the dark ending and how it comes full circle. Also, incredibly realistic, I was once in a very long-term relationship and even after we broke up we’d go places together, confused everyone. You must send this somewhere.
terrie
OK – the good….I like that there is a real conflict in this piece – it’s quite a different approach than what others have taken in this flash, so kudos for that.
Now – I understand this is a first draft and is not polished, but there are grammatical issues throughout that really weigh it down. Mainly comma usage issues and a couple of missing words (eg. that line where he says she drank more than she should have and embarrassed them in front of their friends).
Some of the dialogue during their argument sounds really forced and makes the narrator come across as a very flat character – this line in particular bothers me:
“This is my fault now?” My fingers gripped the wheel tighter, “Let me tell you about these so-called ‘friends’. You’re not even out of the house and Mark is trying to stick his dick in me. That’s the kind of people I have to look forward to now. Thanks for leaving me behind and running away.”
Why is that the kind of people she has to look forward to now? First, she is only tagging along with him because she is tired of being alone in the house, but she also won’t look outside this circle of “friends” once he’s gone? I can understand her clinging to Rick out of a sense of fear or desperation or habit, but there’s no hint that there’s more to her character.
It’s hard to relate to a character that is so flat, even when the conflict is something that is very easy to buy into.
As a first draft, however, it’s OK, and I think the light theme was well integrated. I hope you will polish it up.
Great story and excellent characterization! As a previous poster said, I like how you wrote from the female character’s perspective. No serious quibbles.
Twitter: gabrielnovo
August 16, 2009 at 12:13 am
@Lady Otaku – Glad you liked it even with all the rough edges. Short was the only restriction on this piece, but I think fleshing it out could turn it into something worth submitting. Now you need to get cracking on your illustrated children’s book
@Terrie Matsuura – I was worried the characters wouldn’t come through well with such limited wordage, but your comments (and others) have stated otherwise which makes me happy. I love being on the dark side of the spectrum since vanilla tales would bore me to tears. Maybe with some heavy polish this could make the rounds.
@Bailey – Thanks for coming by and taking a peak. Each reader absorbs a story differently, picking up on certain parts that resonate and ignoring or being bothered by other parts. What some considered good characterization fell flat for you. I appreciate the comments and will keep an extra eye on my dialogue. Taking into account this is a first draft I’m happy with the result. I freely admit to being rusty, but am glad the story is still being enjoyed.
@Terry Atkison – Good to see you here and thanks for the kind words
When first reading the theme a female character immediately popped into my head and while writing the story the encounter with Mark just fell into place. If it had been Rick instead I think Liz trying something similar would have felt fake. Not saying there aren’t man-eaters out there, just that it’s more believable coming from a schmucky guy.
Gabriel – I loved the twist at the end. I agree with Bailey regarding some of the wording and punctuation issues. They made me stop and re-read a few places, but it is a good first draft. I also felt like the lines “That’s the kind of people I have to look forward to now. Thanks for leaving me behind and running away.” showed more of a victim mentality. When she dumped all the wine on Mark, it was very much NOT a victim reaction, so it felt a bit incongruous. Still, I like the piece and how it flows back and forth between the present and recollection. Kudos.
Gabriel – I was just having some fun with Kappa. I’ve known her for quite a time, so I was pulling her leg a bit. Your interpretation (of her flash fiction) could be spot on. We’re lucky that we’re not debating the meaning 100 years after the story was written. We can ask the author!
imomomo
Let me know how your submissions turn out. One of our other Flash Fiction friends got published from one of their submissions, and it fascinates me to see the process in motion.