@Terrie Matsuura – I was worried the characters wouldn’t come through well with such limited wordage, but your comments (and others) have stated otherwise which makes me happy. I love being on the dark side of the spectrum since vanilla tales would bore me to tears. Maybe with some heavy polish this could make the rounds.

@Bailey – Thanks for coming by and taking a peak. Each reader absorbs a story differently, picking up on certain parts that resonate and ignoring or being bothered by other parts. What some considered good characterization fell flat for you. I appreciate the comments and will keep an extra eye on my dialogue. Taking into account this is a first draft I’m happy with the result. I freely admit to being rusty, but am glad the story is still being enjoyed.

@Terry Atkison – Good to see you here and thanks for the kind words When first reading the theme a female character immediately popped into my head and while writing the story the encounter with Mark just fell into place. If it had been Rick instead I think Liz trying something similar would have felt fake. Not saying there aren’t man-eaters out there, just that it’s more believable coming from a schmucky guy.

Now – I understand this is a first draft and is not polished, but there are grammatical issues throughout that really weigh it down. Mainly comma usage issues and a couple of missing words (eg. that line where he says she drank more than she should have and embarrassed them in front of their friends).

Some of the dialogue during their argument sounds really forced and makes the narrator come across as a very flat character – this line in particular bothers me:

“This is my fault now?” My fingers gripped the wheel tighter, “Let me tell you about these so-called ‘friends’. You’re not even out of the house and Mark is trying to stick his dick in me. That’s the kind of people I have to look forward to now. Thanks for leaving me behind and running away.”

Why is that the kind of people she has to look forward to now? First, she is only tagging along with him because she is tired of being alone in the house, but she also won’t look outside this circle of “friends” once he’s gone? I can understand her clinging to Rick out of a sense of fear or desperation or habit, but there’s no hint that there’s more to her character.

It’s hard to relate to a character that is so flat, even when the conflict is something that is very easy to buy into.

As a first draft, however, it’s OK, and I think the light theme was well integrated. I hope you will polish it up.

terrie

I liked that in 1000 words you fleshed out Betty, Rick and their newly-defunct relationship pretty well. I like that it is a raw piece of writing and it’s not overly edited…it fits the tone. And even if it’s only aesthetic I like how you used the italics for the present (usually I see italics for memories or what have you). The imagery was solid and I felt as uncomfortable as Betty because of it…in a good way of course.

What I didn’t like? Too short.

The theme for this month’s fiction was LIGHT which I didn’t mention in the post because I didn’t want to color the reading experience. Hopefully it came through in the tale.