I am a Gemini and thus definition has never been good for me. It feels restrictive, limiting and claustrophobic. The proverbial daydreamer, I’m prone to dream big and dream small, but always look for more in life. I thrive in chaos like few others can, the whirlwind of constant change makes me giggle like a Catholic school girl, giving me a rush and soundly defeating the monster known as boredom. Assimilating, adapting, overcoming, it’s all second nature to me. I swear gypsy blood must run in my veins because the itch for movement is constant.
My attraction toward the mercurial has never ceased, but it has overwhelmed me these last couple of years. Some parts of my life have suffered and atrophied while others are stymied. I finally heard the gears of the amusement park ride screeching over the roar of the crowd and know that continuing at this pace will end in catastrophe. Trying to cut through the bullshit of a modern life is a big undertaking. It’s truly amazing the amount of noise we wrap ourselves in, fooling us into believing that was all there was or distracting us from all there isn’t.
Putting myself into a box and labeling it has never been my style, so instead of trying to ground my dreaming self, I’m going to recognize the pieces of me which are essential and immutable. The details or methods may change as the years pass, but these facets will always be around.
Declaration of Me
This is who I am. It is not a rigid set of criteria, but guidelines to my core passions. No matter where I’ve been, what I’ve been or who I’ve been, these elements have never left me.
I Am A Writer
I’ve had a love affair with letters and words since birth. I can clearly remember first encountering certain words, writing my first “book” and short story (horror of course) and reading favorite authors for the first time. These moments are seared into my memory with the fire of my love for the written word. An inescapable fact has always been it’s more painful to NOT write than struggle with a blank page. What I produce changes over time—short stories, blogs, articles, poems, novels (eventually)—but I’m always writing.
Neglect of this portion of me has led to a lot of background pain and disappointment. I’ve come to the realization that further denial will guarantee a miserable existence. Re-injecting writing into my life and re-igniting the passion for it will take effort, dedication and a bunch of other stuff I won’t know about until I get there, but one thing is for certain, this is no longer a negotiable aspect of my life.
I Love Film
If you’ve ever spoken to me at length, in almost every one of my conversations movies come up. No matter how tired I am, when movies are the subject I light up like a Christmas tree. You hear it in my voice, you see it in my mannerisms (how do you get a Cuban to shut up? tie his hands) and you feel the passion pouring from me. Some of my very first memories are of movies. I can still vividly remember my first time watching a movie in a theater (Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind), the feel of the chair and being mesmerized by the images on the screen. I’ve become an offline IMDB, rattling off plots, characters, actors, directors, and genres at the drop of a hat because I honestly can’t get enough.
A natural offshoot of my writing tendencies (and book loving, story telling, character analysis, etc), the visual medium of film has always drawn me. Simply consuming films, while enjoyable, is not enough for me anymore. Like the creative fires that push me to write, I need to eventually create in this space as well. How, I haven’t the foggiest, but the need to add to a world which is ingrained in me has become overriding.
Moving Forward
Recently I’ve learned a couple of hard lessons, ones Time and Experience conspired to teach me whether I wanted it or not. Because the ink is still fresh, I’m writing them down in the hopes it’ll be one step closer to burning them into my memory.
Technical & Creative Must Balance
For far too long the Technical focus of my life has dwarfed all others. I started down this path by deluding myself, believing I could throw 90% of me into Tech and the 10% left over would be sufficient for Creative outlets. Boy was I wrong. Denying creativity led to a slew of problems, professionally and personally, which screamed at me “this isn’t working.” I didn’t listen to those warning signs for a long time. It wasn’t until pieces of me flew apart, as life spun out of balance, that I acknowledged I couldn’t keep living like this.
Balance is very hard to learn. There’s no manual to help you out and what works for some, frustrates others. It’s going to be trial and effort while I find the sweet spot, but a balance must be found. I can’t let the Tech keep pushing me into the red.
I’ve Been Reacting To Life Not Living It
This is a byproduct of the constant chaos which follows me around. Thinking on your feet and keeping cool under pressure are fine traits to have, making you adaptable to almost any situation, but as a way of life you find yourself tap dancing from one train wreck to another without ever figuring out if you want to dance in the first place.
Staying one step ahead of a tidal wave turns your life into a nonstop race where you’re the only one running and the finish line doesn’t even exist. I’ve suffered a 10 year detour living this way—in pursuit of a career, in pursuit of an idea—not taking the time to see if I even wanted what was supposedly at the end. I’ve experienced a lot in my short time on Earth, but having things happen to you is not the same as making things happen. I need to start taking control of the wheel.
What Next?
This isn’t a lofty proclamation of future goals and ambitions, it’s a simple moment of self reflection. Hopefully by recording my observations I won’t forget them again as easily. I’ve distracted myself with the wrong kind of things for a frighteningly long time and while I don’t regret the years I’ve lived this way, I know I will if my focus doesn’t change. To quote a sage philosopher, “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
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